Background Information

I was asked by my wife Wendy to write a humorous poem giving a Quilter's husband point of view, for the Furness Shoreline Quilters magazine which is her local Quilting Group. Now I'm no poet, let alone writer so I took the easy way out and gave up on the project. The usual EAR ACHE ensued, so I thought NOT a poem, I'll tell it as it is - SLIGHTLY exaggerate, one up for the boys so to speak. So this was the result, it was printed in a couple of magazines - so go and get hubby.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

It might just come true...

A few years ago, too many now to mention, I was moderately involved in Brass Banding, fanatically and totally absorbed with Salmon fishing, and the poor old wife seemed to be involved in - not a lot. She ran around after our three kids which in hindsight now I must admit, I was somewhat negligent in my duties, - well I had fish to catch. At some point she was no doubt rightfully having a moan, like women do, when I said it - I WISH you could find an interest you could enjoy as much as I enjoy my fishing, and what's more I meant it - what an IDIOT. Well what was there she could possibly get that fanatical about? To cut a long story short, Barbara comes back from America after 3 years and guess what, she has started patchwork and quilting, very nice Barbara now GO AWAY. She never did take much notice of anything I ever said, apart from which she is bigger than me. By now Janette is involved and a number of others. Barbara starts her first class, and the rest as they say is History, anyway what harm can there be in a little bit of Quilting, and this is my point. Nobody ever warns the poor unsuspecting husband, or should I say partner. Anyway life rolls along something like this.

Can you mend my trousers darling? - "WHAT! - MEND trousers, I'm a quilter, I Don't MEND trousers. By the way this sewing machine is just no good at all, I will have to have a new one." HELP - someone has stolen my wife, who is this person When the new sewing machine arrives, it had walked here, well it could it has more feet than a centipede and one is a walking foot. Not only can it Quilt, in it's spare time it runs mission control for NASA, but it still can't mend b&*%!y trousers. The word Fabric Stash will become an all too familiar phrase, beware, this is directly linked to your bank balance. Stash goes up - Bank balance goes down, see easy. Now there is enough fabric to make uniforms for the entire staff at NASA including the astronauts, but your trousers are still not fixed and now you can't afford a new pair.

Your DIY skills will need to be greatly improved, firstly to put up all the cupboards required for the newly acquired Stash. The spare room of course will simply have to be converted into a Sewing Room, that's what spare rooms are for after all, exit the fly tying equipment. A new sign on the door will not be out of place, " Trousers NOT mended here ", you could start wandering around in your underwear, BUT SHE WILL NOT NOTICE, not even if you were to go naked. Oh! Did anyone mention COTTON; the dam stuff is everywhere, not to mention needles, pins, and bits of material and wadding. As fast as you Vacuum it up and it will be you doing the vacuuming, she will throw more down. The smoke coming out of the Hoover is no coincidence, it groans slower and slower and finally you have to take it to pieces; there is enough cotton and bits of fabric wrapped around the spindle to KNIT yourself a new pair of trousers. Unfortunately you need a chainsaw to get it all off.

New tack, " Would you like to Quilt these trousers for me darling " - Oh Dear, if looks could kill, you know -like superman with the red eyes only with venom. You could always run away from home - what in your underwear, grow up. There is one up side if you are slightly over weight, food will be no problem, there isn't any, not unless you get it yourself that is. In the beginning, at the bottom of the learning curve you lose weight, this has another benefit because now it doesn't matter about your trousers, they don't fit.

Well fellow husbands/partners, you might be asking yourself can it really get this bad, well perhaps not. You will eventually save up and buy a new pairs of trousers, all be it from the Oxfam Shop, find a bit of spare room in the attic and tie a few flies. She won't care if you go fishing, stay out all day, all night as well if you so desire - Great! - It goes something like this. I think I will go fishing this weekend darling, that's OK pet as long as you don't need the car, I'm off to a Quilting Conference, see you Sunday bye-bye. Well that leaves only the Pub, to reminisce with all the others about the one that got away, at least no drinking and driving - NO CAR. I only wish.. Wwooooo no more of that. Finally do I really mean all this? Well of course I don't, I am just having a bit of fun after all, aren't I? Honestly, would I tell a lie?

Roy Bland if you can't beat em - join em! (Templates)